Yobbi: The way he would have wanted it
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8/23/2008 - 8/24/08
Merritt Brown didn't know if he could look across the pitch again without dwelling on what he lost. He thought it might consume him. Thought it might eat him away until he couldn't look at the sport he loved the same way again.
He was right. It could have.
If Brown thought solely about how his son, Jensen — who was killed suddenly in an automobile accident on April 4 — used to run across the soccer pitch with that 1,000-watt smile, he might just break down. If he thought about how Jensen would be relishing his senior year it might be too much.
Merritt misses Jensen to be sure. He misses Olin just as much. For different reasons.
Olin Brown is Jensen's older brother, who graduated in May and has since gone away to college. Merritt coached Olin from age 10, and his absence is nearly equal to Jensen's because things will never be quite the same.
"(Coming back) gave me pause because I knew it was going to be difficult," says Merritt, the fourth-year head boys soccer coach at St. Michael's High School. "I met with four of the boys and just sat down and asked them what they wanted, if I could do this, if they wanted me to.
"We wrestled with that. We decided that right now we all need each other. They're helping me and I'm helping them in some way."
Merritt decided he would not let the season be about what he missed, about the obvious pain, but about what was to be taken from it all. Merritt and the Horsemen are not hiding from the loss of Jensen, a close friend to many on the team — including junior midfielder Eric Fishback, who was with Jensen but unhurt when the sport utility vehicle Jensen was driving struck a safety truck on Interstate 25 in Albuquerque.
Instead, they are embracing Jensen. They carry his memory with them, but the season is not entirely about him. He would still want them to play good soccer, to win matches, and to beat crosstown rival Santa Fe Preparatory.
They honor Jensen in huddles and break with, "1-2-3 Jensen."
"He is constantly here," says Merritt on Friday, wearing a pin with a photo of his son on it. "There's a bigger picture out there."
There is also perspective.
"It's not just about Jensen, though. It's not about me. It's about them," says Merritt, nodding toward the team as they were going through drills.
Merritt relishes seeing the players grow. He loves seeing them develop into young men. On a high school team, unlike on a club squad, teammates aren't chosen. They are lived with. Roles change. Players come and go, and Merritt loves the dynamic of that.
The season, which starts Monday, will be an emotional one for Merritt. And the Horsemen. They will go through ups and downs, and some days will be easier than others, but none of them are afraid to embrace that. They know it will hurt some days and they will miss what is gone, but they also know they can honor the memory of a loving soul the right way. The way he would have wanted it. Jensen was a player, too. A competitor. He would have asked that they move forward and succeed.